Post by MajorSoB on Sept 12, 2007 10:45:43 GMT -5
Blatently stolen form Emperor's Children . com ......
I've made it known that I don't like the changes in the new codex. That's not to say that I don't like the new codex for what it is, which is a renegade list, but that I don't like the direction and the disregard it shows for current players. That said, I find the inconsistancies very funny within the context of the game world. While driving home from work today, it occured to me that while we as players are going to have to make new lists (well...actually, I'll still keep my EC lists under the old codex and make an all new renegade list under the new one until a proper EC list comes out again) the changes that would be occuring to the characters in the game world would have to explained somehow. It's not Shakespeare, but I was the only monkey at the keyboard.
“Ok men, listen up. I have a lot of material to cover and only a short amount of time before we move out.”
“As you all know, I just came back from the legion’s annual leadership meeting and there are a lot of major changes in store this year. It’s going to be a tough adjustment for our little warband, but if we all pull together, we will get through this just fine.”
“First of all, the leadership has decided that we have been maintaining too high of a profile. Some feel that it is causing the Imperium to think that the entire legion is intact. I know, I know, we only operate in war bands of roughly fifty men, but for some reason the news shows are making it look like our small raiding actions are planet wide offensives and the leadership is worried that it could cause those idiots still loyal to the golden corpse in a Ziploc to come bothering us.”
“So, effective immediately, there are going to be the following changes:”
“One. We are going to take on a new name and color scheme. Unfortunately, I drew a late pick and all of the cool names with ‘Death’, ‘Blood’, and ‘Dark’ in them were already taken. The best of the names still available at that point was ‘Slavering Horde’ which was much better than the ‘Fruity Nancyboys’ that the last guy got stuck with. The new color scheme has not been decided upon yet, but we have hired a famous fashion designer to come up with some patterns and colors. A decision should be made before we are ready to drop on our next target.”
“Two. It has been decided that there are going to be some significant organizational changes. Chief among these is that we are no longer going to all be Noise Marines any more. I’m as disappointed as you are and am having my status stripped as well, so this isn’t just going to affect you troops.”
“Terminators are no longer to participate in cult activities including the holiday party. This isn’t a punitive action and does not have anything to do with you giving that Demon Prince a swirly. You guys are also to turn your weapons in to the quartermaster for traditional terminator weaponry.”
“Third squad, you guys were also selected to be removed from the cult. Since we mostly used you to infiltrate and in hand to hand, we’re going to promote you to chosen and you will maintain your normal activities. The quartermaster will have new weapon load outs for you to choose from. He will also give you an icon for the squad. Don’t lose it!”
“Fourth, Fifth and Sixth squads, we’re sending you to other legions temporarily as part of an exchange program. This is part of the directive to appear as if the legions have died out. As part of this program, we are getting squads from other legions as well. Sorcerer Jarrod will be attached to a squad of Berserkers coming from the World Eaters. No, we don’t hate them. Yes, I’m sure. It was cleared up at the meeting. In a related note, 53rd company’s warband is looking for a new lord if anyone wants to put in for the position.”
“Additionally, we will be getting a squad from the Death Guard. Sgt Channel will act as their liaison. Bring extra air filters Sgt."
"We will also be getting a squad of tin men from the Thousand Sons. I’ll have someone from the motor pool take care of them.”
“Havoc squads. You guys are no longer allowed to congregate together. We were told that we must split you up or remove you from the cult and rearm you. If you want to stay in the cult, then you guys are going to be inactive until we get some more bodies to team you up with. Until then, just hang loose in the compound and don’t get caught in groups larger than two. If you want to stay in the action, you can drop from the cult and the quartermaster will let you sign out some new weapons. I suggest that you take them to the range to get used to them since they won’t be much like your Blastmasters.”
“We may be getting the services of some Raptors. Yes, they’re a pain in the rear, but allowing them to throw themselves at the enemy could give us more time to move into position without getting shot at, so I can accept the tradeoff. Please resist the urge to stuff their exhaust vents with melons. That’s why they stopped working with us the last time.”
“Thanks to the efforts of second squad, we’ve purchased enough Obliterator Scout cookies this year to win the services of a few of those darling kids. If you see them wandering around looking lost, be sure to stop and give them directions. It took us several months to rebuild when the last one decided that a flat compound would be easier to navigate.”
“Three, we are changing our equipment load outs. Everyone is to report to the quartermaster to receive a bolt pistol if they didn’t already have one and grenades. We’ve found a huge stockpile of them and have plenty to go around. Champions, we have been told that leadership is tired of seeing you guys running around with whatever the heck you feel like carrying, so you are to turn in all non-standard gear. Anyone caught on the battlefield not adhering tightly to the new load outs will be turned into a spawn. Remember, these rules are in place for your safety, etc, etc.”
“Vehicles are also changing their load outs. Predator crews are to report to the motor pool to have their vehicles refitted to Imperial codex standards. No, I don’t know why. No, I didn’t bother asking. You idiots didn’t even notice when we put the sonics on them, so why are you complaining now?”
“Bike squads should refit once the predators are done. We also need the terminators to hold down the dreadnoughts long enough to remove all of the sonic weaponry from their chassis. It will probably piss them off even more than they normally are, but as long as we keep them in sight of the enemy, they wouldn’t shoot at us...”
“On the plus side, we were just informed that we have been using the Vindicator since before the Heresy. We are expecting a pair of them to be delivered from an imperial warehouse sometime next week.”
“Finally, and I know that this will be the announcement that causes the most grumbling, we will no longer be allowed to associate with the dancing girls. There was far too much complaining from the other legions that they got blobs of poop or flaming mushrooms while we got hot women. From now on, we are only allowed to summon demons that are gender, god, and color neutral. The rumors that these demons are white with black bar codes on them are untrue. In order to appear ‘themed’, we will also only be summoning greater demons along the same lines from this point forward. I know. I don’t see much point in calling for them either, but we’ll see what other groups say about these replacements before passing judgment.”
“We’ve got a lot of work to do so I won’t hold you any longer. Remember, the head of an Imperial Inquisitor is worth double points in this month’s scavenger hunt!”
Edit: made some minor changes mainly to fix some horrid grammer.
“Ok men, listen up. I have a lot of material to cover and only a short amount of time before we move out.”
“As you all know, I just came back from the legion’s annual leadership meeting and there are a lot of major changes in store this year. It’s going to be a tough adjustment for our little warband, but if we all pull together, we will get through this just fine.”
“First of all, the leadership has decided that we have been maintaining too high of a profile. Some feel that it is causing the Imperium to think that the entire legion is intact. I know, I know, we only operate in war bands of roughly fifty men, but for some reason the news shows are making it look like our small raiding actions are planet wide offensives and the leadership is worried that it could cause those idiots still loyal to the golden corpse in a Ziploc to come bothering us.”
“So, effective immediately, there are going to be the following changes:”
“One. We are going to take on a new name and color scheme. Unfortunately, I drew a late pick and all of the cool names with ‘Death’, ‘Blood’, and ‘Dark’ in them were already taken. The best of the names still available at that point was ‘Slavering Horde’ which was much better than the ‘Fruity Nancyboys’ that the last guy got stuck with. The new color scheme has not been decided upon yet, but we have hired a famous fashion designer to come up with some patterns and colors. A decision should be made before we are ready to drop on our next target.”
“Two. It has been decided that there are going to be some significant organizational changes. Chief among these is that we are no longer going to all be Noise Marines any more. I’m as disappointed as you are and am having my status stripped as well, so this isn’t just going to affect you troops.”
“Terminators are no longer to participate in cult activities including the holiday party. This isn’t a punitive action and does not have anything to do with you giving that Demon Prince a swirly. You guys are also to turn your weapons in to the quartermaster for traditional terminator weaponry.”
“Third squad, you guys were also selected to be removed from the cult. Since we mostly used you to infiltrate and in hand to hand, we’re going to promote you to chosen and you will maintain your normal activities. The quartermaster will have new weapon load outs for you to choose from. He will also give you an icon for the squad. Don’t lose it!”
“Fourth, Fifth and Sixth squads, we’re sending you to other legions temporarily as part of an exchange program. This is part of the directive to appear as if the legions have died out. As part of this program, we are getting squads from other legions as well. Sorcerer Jarrod will be attached to a squad of Berserkers coming from the World Eaters. No, we don’t hate them. Yes, I’m sure. It was cleared up at the meeting. In a related note, 53rd company’s warband is looking for a new lord if anyone wants to put in for the position.”
“Additionally, we will be getting a squad from the Death Guard. Sgt Channel will act as their liaison. Bring extra air filters Sgt."
"We will also be getting a squad of tin men from the Thousand Sons. I’ll have someone from the motor pool take care of them.”
“Havoc squads. You guys are no longer allowed to congregate together. We were told that we must split you up or remove you from the cult and rearm you. If you want to stay in the cult, then you guys are going to be inactive until we get some more bodies to team you up with. Until then, just hang loose in the compound and don’t get caught in groups larger than two. If you want to stay in the action, you can drop from the cult and the quartermaster will let you sign out some new weapons. I suggest that you take them to the range to get used to them since they won’t be much like your Blastmasters.”
“We may be getting the services of some Raptors. Yes, they’re a pain in the rear, but allowing them to throw themselves at the enemy could give us more time to move into position without getting shot at, so I can accept the tradeoff. Please resist the urge to stuff their exhaust vents with melons. That’s why they stopped working with us the last time.”
“Thanks to the efforts of second squad, we’ve purchased enough Obliterator Scout cookies this year to win the services of a few of those darling kids. If you see them wandering around looking lost, be sure to stop and give them directions. It took us several months to rebuild when the last one decided that a flat compound would be easier to navigate.”
“Three, we are changing our equipment load outs. Everyone is to report to the quartermaster to receive a bolt pistol if they didn’t already have one and grenades. We’ve found a huge stockpile of them and have plenty to go around. Champions, we have been told that leadership is tired of seeing you guys running around with whatever the heck you feel like carrying, so you are to turn in all non-standard gear. Anyone caught on the battlefield not adhering tightly to the new load outs will be turned into a spawn. Remember, these rules are in place for your safety, etc, etc.”
“Vehicles are also changing their load outs. Predator crews are to report to the motor pool to have their vehicles refitted to Imperial codex standards. No, I don’t know why. No, I didn’t bother asking. You idiots didn’t even notice when we put the sonics on them, so why are you complaining now?”
“Bike squads should refit once the predators are done. We also need the terminators to hold down the dreadnoughts long enough to remove all of the sonic weaponry from their chassis. It will probably piss them off even more than they normally are, but as long as we keep them in sight of the enemy, they wouldn’t shoot at us...”
“On the plus side, we were just informed that we have been using the Vindicator since before the Heresy. We are expecting a pair of them to be delivered from an imperial warehouse sometime next week.”
“Finally, and I know that this will be the announcement that causes the most grumbling, we will no longer be allowed to associate with the dancing girls. There was far too much complaining from the other legions that they got blobs of poop or flaming mushrooms while we got hot women. From now on, we are only allowed to summon demons that are gender, god, and color neutral. The rumors that these demons are white with black bar codes on them are untrue. In order to appear ‘themed’, we will also only be summoning greater demons along the same lines from this point forward. I know. I don’t see much point in calling for them either, but we’ll see what other groups say about these replacements before passing judgment.”
“We’ve got a lot of work to do so I won’t hold you any longer. Remember, the head of an Imperial Inquisitor is worth double points in this month’s scavenger hunt!”
Edit: made some minor changes mainly to fix some horrid grammer.
